Getting hurt from primary care giver?

SUB: A letter to the wounded child within "you".

Dear You,

I see you. I hear you. I understand the depth of your emotions—the fear, the vigilance, the exhaustion of living in a world where you have had to constantly protect yourself. You were raised in an environment where love felt conditional, where victories were minimized and failures magnified, where your emotions were dismissed instead of nurtured. The child in you learned to bottle up feelings, to survive in a reality where no matter how much you did, it never felt enough. But let me tell you something: You are enough. You always have been, and you always will be. Growth is a lifelong process, but your journey is not blocked—it is yours to navigate and reclaim.

Imagine walking into a pet shop and bringing home what you thought was a cat. You wanted to cuddle it, nurture it, and receive love in return. But as time passed, you realized it was not a cat—it was a tiger cub. What do you do? Do you continue treating it as a cat, hoping it will purr and curl up beside you? Or do you accept its true nature and learn how to handle a tiger? This is the reality of growing up with a narcissistic parent. If you continue expecting them to be a source of warmth, validation, and security, you will be hurt repeatedly. But if you recognize their nature, you can anticipate their patterns and protect yourself. Acceptance does not mean approval—it means understanding that a tiger is not a cat, just as your parent is not capable of providing the love you needed as a child.

Children of Narcissistic Parents: Magnet to Narcissistic Partners

Children of narcissistic parents have a higher likelihood of being drawn to partners with similar traits or completely opposite behaviors. If your parent was overtly narcissistic, you might feel attracted to a covert narcissist—someone who appears calm, in control of their emotions, and seemingly offers the stability you never had. However, their core traits may still mirror those of your parent, forming a toxic bond—one built on dependency, power struggles, and emotional highs and lows.

An overt narcissistic parent craves attention, while a covert narcissistic partner seeks control and validation through creation. They supply each other perfectly, but the challenge arises when you become the bait in their tug-of-war. Instead of expecting a fairy-tale family dynamic, it’s crucial to accept reality.

Recognizing a trauma bond is the first step to breaking free. If your emotions, self-worth, and mood fluctuate based on your partner’s treatment of you, if you feel addicted to their approval, or if you constantly try to please them in the hope of fulfilling a void left by your parent—know that this is not love, it is a trauma bond. Your inner child, still longing for warmth and unconditional love, may unconsciously seek a partner who replicates the emotional patterns of your upbringing, leading to codependency.

You may be thriving professionally, respected by colleagues, and outwardly successful, but inside, your inner child still yearns for the acceptance and love they never received. If your mood depends on how your partner treats you, if they can convince you of their version of reality within minutes, if you constantly feel guilty or question your worth in their life, understand that these are signs of emotional manipulation, not love.

Fear is natural. You might worry that retaliating or stepping away means losing the connection with your parent or partner. This fear stems from years of emotional deprivation. Whether or not your parent is using you as their narcissistic supply, accepting the reality is incredibly difficult—but it is the key to reclaiming your life.

Your parent may disapprove of your partner, not because they are bad for you, but because they see them as competition. Narcissistic parents thrive on control, and anyone who challenges their authority over you threatens their dominance. This disapproval often manifests as criticism, manipulation, and attempts to sabotage your relationships. 

Picture this—you are walking in a desert, thirsty and exhausted. You spot a well in the distance and feel a surge of hope. But as you reach it, you discover there is no water. Will you sit there and cry, waiting for it to miraculously fill? Or will you accept reality, quench your thirst elsewhere, and continue your journey? Your narcissist's well of love is also empty. And while that is painful, waiting for it to fill will only leave you parched. Instead, you have the power to nourish yourself—to fill the void they left behind by becoming the parent your inner child always needed.

Your parent's well of love may be empty.

Breaking Free from Toxic Bonds

It’s understandable that emotional fatigue drives you to seek a partner or support to ease your burden. But this is where it gets foggy. Interestingly, you will find all the courage to please the one who rejects you, yet struggle to choose yourself. You may unconsciously punish yourself, knowing the truth but still walking the path of fire.

You will find ways to justify their actions, intellectualize how you may eventually receive love from them, in your concerns or complaints you find yourself using “but” to rationalize their behavior, and gaslight yourself into excusing their inconsistencies. If you refuse to believe what you already know, you are trapped. Pay attention— ]You may know the truth, but hope convinces you to give it one more try.

The fog of a trauma bond is hard to lift. It can take months or even years to gain clarity, and sometimes decades pass before you realize the pattern. If they discard you or you manage to break free, use this as an opportunity to reclaim your identity. Your life’s purpose is not to serve them. Even if you don’t yet know your purpose, it is certainly not to serve an abuser.

Treat yourself with respect. Detach emotionally and observe—narcissistic partners flee or abandon without regret, making it difficult for you to accept and grieve. Before you can stand on your own feet, they may pull you back in with a simple call, message, or gesture. This is not love; it is a trauma bond. The obsession you feel is not love—it's a conditioned illness that requires healing. Below is a checklist to help you take charge of your life. No one can change your destiny but you. Let go of fairy-tale illusions and recognize the strength within you.

I don’t blame you—toxic bonds are like cocaine or any other drug. They are addictive. My two cents in your life is - you need to get up and take charge. You are grown now. When you are capable of pouring all your love into others, even at the cost of emptying yourself, you can also learn to live with the void in a balanced way.

This void has been a vacuum for toxicity. Notice it. Accept it. Detach from the addiction. You were a child before, but now you are ready. The journey may be difficult but not impossible, I say that with experience. Do yourself a favor, trust yourself and accept reality, and see how you attract non-toxic people around.

You don’t deserve this.

Before Entering a Relationship – Personal Checklist

Before seeking a partner, take the time to heal and build a solid foundation for yourself. You are the most vulnerable person, an easy target for a toxic emotional abuser if you haven’t healed.

Check if you are ready:

✔ Have I healed from past wounds and let go of unresolved pain?

✔ Am I emotionally independent and capable of self-soothing?

✔ Do I seek a partner, or am I looking for a parent to fill a void?

✔ Can I set and enforce healthy boundaries?

✔ Do I have a strong sense of self-worth without external validation?

✔ Am I ready to walk away from toxicity without second-guessing myself?

✔ Do I trust myself to recognize red flags and act accordingly?

✔ Am I choosing from a place of self-love rather than loneliness?

✔ Can I handle being single and happy before stepping into a relationship?

✔ Do I know what a healthy relationship looks and feels like?

✔ Do I have a safe space to fall back, your friends, family, or therapist?

Red Flags to Watch for in a Partner or other relations.

When entering a relationship, watch for these red flags to avoid falling into familiar, unhealthy patterns:

❌ They belittle your achievements and make you feel unworthy.

❌ They manipulate, gaslight, or shift blame onto you.

❌ They have a lack of empathy and dismiss your emotions.

❌ They seek control over your life decisions, friendships, or career.

❌ They make you feel responsible for their emotions or happiness.

❌ They love-bomb you initially but later withhold affection and validation.

❌ They create a cycle of highs and lows, keeping you addicted to approval.

❌ They ignore your boundaries or punish you for enforcing them.

❌ They make you feel guilty for having personal needs or independence.

❌ They create a power struggle instead of a partnership.

Steps to Go with Caution

Take your time—do not rush into emotional entanglement.

Keep an independent life outside the relationship.

Test boundaries early and observe their reactions.

Stay in tune with your intuition—if something feels off, it probably is.

Seek outside perspectives—trusted friends and therapists can provide clarity.

Prioritize self-respect over emotional attachment.

Accept reality—if they show you who they are, believe them.

Know when to walk away—staying will not change them.

Benefits of Accepting Reality

• You can build real relationships with realistic expectations.

• You develop emotional independence and self-trust.

• You free yourself from cycles of manipulation and self-doubt.

• You create a safe space to nurture yourself and your personal growth.

Consequences of Denial

• Prolonged stress and emotional exhaustion can lead to health conditions.

• Your self-esteem continues to erode, making healing more difficult.

• You remain trapped in toxic cycles, preventing personal and relational growth.

• Unresolved trauma perpetuates harmful patterns in future relationships.

• Repeating a cycle of abuse in your children.

Golden Rules for Dealing with a Narcissist

• “The only way to win with a narcissist is not to play.”

• “Their words do not define you.”

• “You do not have to attend every argument you’re invited to.”

• “Self-love is your shield—keep it strong.”

• “Anticipate their behavior, but don’t engage in it.”

With care and strength,

Your co-surviver who dared to break.