How to nurture children with enablers?

Dear Young Parents,

Hello there! How are you holding up? I can imagine you’re feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, confused, or even scared. After all, raising a new life that depends entirely on you can be one of life’s most daunting yet rewarding experiences.

Adjusting to this new role is like stepping into uncharted territory. Life was already busy, and now it feels like you’re juggling a thousand things—your chores, job, social obligations, sleep, and emotional and physical health. In the rush to care for your child, you may have tossed aside your own needs, but let me remind you: you cannot pour from an empty cup.

Parenting requires you to practice what you teach. Don’t force it—make it part of your lifestyle. Start with self-care, because a healthy and balanced version of you is your best asset in raising a confident, emotionally intelligent child.

Beware of the Enablers

Now let’s talk about the enablers—people in your life who might seem like they are helping but are actually hindering your parenting journey. These individuals might include your parents, in-laws, spouse, relatives, teachers, caregivers, or even neighbors. Often, they are narcissistic themselves and see your child as an extension of their ego. Their goal isn’t the well-being of your child; it’s to control, dominate, and gain validation by turning your child against you.

They will:

• Undermine your authority by spoiling your child and devaluing your role.

• Interfere with discipline by swooping in as the savior when your child cries, painting you as the villain.

• Gain control by creating emotional chaos, manipulating situations, and ensuring you look incapable or weak.

Strategies to Handle Narcissistic Enablers

Dealing with these enablers requires tact, strategy, and emotional strength. Here are practical steps you can take:

1. Deny Their Narcissistic Supply

• Do Not Engage: Avoid arguing, confronting, or reacting emotionally. Narcissists thrive on drama and conflict because it feeds their ego.

• Be Indifferent: When they provoke you, respond with neutrality. Say things like, "I see," or "That’s interesting," and move on.

• Avoid Emotional Traps: They may project blame or guilt onto you. Stay calm and focused on what truly matters—your child’s well-being.

2. Shift Control Subtly

• Delegate Strategically: If they interfere, assign them harmless tasks.

  
  

  Example: "You’re so good at storytelling. Can you read [child’s name] a bedtime story while I prepare dinner?"

• Acknowledge Their Role Without Giving Power:

  
  

  Example: "I appreciate your input. I’ll take that into account." (And then proceed with your plan.)

3. Build Emotional Independence in Your Child

• Teach your child to identify and regulate their emotions.

  
  

  Example: "I see you’re upset. It’s okay to feel angry, but let’s find a calm way to handle this."

• Encourage your child to problem-solve instead of relying on others.

  
  

  Example: "What do you think we can do to fix this together?"

• Create a strong bond by spending quality time with your child, so they trust you over manipulative enablers.

4. Set Boundaries Without Confrontation

• Limit Access: Reduce opportunities for enablers to manipulate your child by limiting unsupervised time.

• Stick to Your Rules: Politely but firmly enforce household boundaries.

  
  

  Example: "We don’t give [child’s name] sugary snacks before dinner, and I’d appreciate it if we all stick to that."

5. Focus on Your Own Strength

• Build Your Tribe: Surround yourself with supportive friends, fellow parents, or colleagues who understand and uplift you.

• Seek Therapy: Professional help can guide you through the emotional toll of dealing with narcissistic enablers.

• Practice Self-Care: Prioritize your mental and physical health. Take breaks, exercise, journal, meditate, or pursue hobbies that bring you joy.

6. Anticipate Their Tactics

• Narcissistic enablers often operate in predictable ways: gaslighting, triangulating (turning others against you), or playing the victim. Recognize these patterns and prepare responses.

  
  

  Example: If they say, "You’re too strict; that’s why the child is crying," respond calmly:

  • "It’s okay for children to cry. It’s part of learning and growing."

7. Never Let Them See Your Battle

• Be the Chanakya to Their King: Develop strategies, stay calm, and play the long game.

• Shine Less: Avoid triggering their insecurities by showing off your parenting skills. Let them feel "important" without actually giving them control.

• Give Narcissistic Offerings: Occasionally let them feel acknowledged without compromising your principles.

  
  

  Example: "You’re such a great storyteller. [Child’s name] loves spending time with you."

What NOT to Do

• Don’t Yell at Your Child: Instead of reacting to the enabler’s interference, reassure your child calmly:

  • "Looks like you had fun with dadi! Now let’s get back to our plan for today."

• Don’t Challenge Them: Direct confrontation only escalates the situation and feeds their ego.

• Don’t Expect Partnership: Narcissistic enablers are solo players—they aren’t interested in teamwork.

Teach Your Child Emotional Resilience

Children are impressionable, but they can also learn to see through manipulation with your guidance.

1. Normalize All Emotions:

   • "It’s okay to feel upset. Let’s talk about it when you’re ready."

2. Encourage Gratitude:

   • Help them appreciate what they have instead of focusing on what they don’t.

3. Foster Independence:

   • Let them make age-appropriate decisions and learn from their mistakes.

Final Thoughts

Parenting is not easy, especially when you’re dealing with enablers who seem determined to make things harder. Remember, this is a long battle, and your greatest weapons are patience, strategy, and self-care.

If possible, distance yourself from enablers. If not, prepare for a marathon, not a sprint.

Don’t engage, don’t react, and don’t let them take away your peace.

Lastly, build your tribe—friends, fellow parents, mentors, or even a therapist—who can support you through this journey. Your child doesn’t need a perfect parent; they need a resilient one. Click here to understand and get tips on being a good enough parent.

While you are in this new parenting journey, please don't seek validation of your parenting styles from the enablers, they will never do it, as they aim to establish authority. Engaging in explaining and making your point will be very frustrating, and may impact your functioning, self-esteem, and health.

You’ve got this. Keep going, one step at a time.

With empathy and strength,

Parita