Take Charge, you owe this to yourself!
- Jan 30
- 16 min read
Dear You,
I see you. I see the love you carry in your heart, the deep sense of duty you feel toward your parents, and the weight of expectations that sometimes makes it hard to breathe. You have been taught that your worth is tied to how much you give, how much you sacrifice, and how well you serve. But today, let’s pause and ask—where do you fit into this equation?
Understanding Toxic Parenting
Parents are meant to love, guide, and support their children, but not all do so in a healthy way. Some parents manipulate, control, or guilt-trip their children into fulfilling roles that were never meant to be theirs. Toxic parenting can look like:
Using guilt to control you ("After everything I did for you, how can you leave me?")
Making you responsible for their emotions ("You are the reason I am unhappy.")
Threatening financial or emotional withdrawal ("If you leave, I won’t support you anymore.")
Not respecting your choices in career, love, or lifestyle
Making their love conditional on your obedience
This is not love. This is control disguised as care. Love allows room for individuality, for growth, for boundaries. Control suffocates.
What To Do With Their Threats and Fears They Instill
Fear is a powerful tool. Toxic parents often use it to keep you small, dependent, and compliant. They may say things like:
“If you move out, we will disown you.”
“If you choose this career, you will fail.”
“If you marry this person, you will regret it.”
When you hear these threats, pause and ask yourself: Is this their truth, or mine? Their fears belong to them, not to you. You are not responsible for making them feel secure by sacrificing your own life.
Doing Justice to Yourself While Honoring Family
You love your parents, and you want to respect them. But respect goes both ways. Honoring them does not mean erasing yourself. You can:
Set boundaries: “I love you, but I have to make this decision for myself.”
Offer reassurance, but stay firm: “I understand your concerns, but I am happy with my choice.”
Accept that they may not understand now, but they may later. Your job is not to convince them but to live your truth.
Leaving Home: The Guilt, The Growth, and The Right to Choose
As you prepare to leave home for education, a job, or marriage, you may feel torn. You want to stay close, yet you know you need to go. This is not selfish—it is growth.
When parents are not in sync with your choices:
Remember, their disapproval does not mean you are wrong. It means they are uncomfortable with change.
Stay patient but don’t shrink. Keep your ground.
Keep communication open, but do not beg for approval.
Togetherness: Is It Your Responsibility Alone?
Family relationships are a two-way street. You can make an effort, but you cannot be the only one holding it together. A healthy family allows space for individual growth while staying connected. You should not have to prove your love by surrendering your dreams.
Idealistic vs. Realistic Expectations for Emotional Stability
Idealistic expectation: "If I just do everything they want, they will finally approve of me."Reality: Their approval may never come the way you want. You must approve of yourself first.
Idealistic expectation: "If I sacrifice my dreams for them, they will love me more."Reality: Love should not require sacrifice—it should support your happiness, not demand your suffering.
Why Is It Hard to Stand Up for Yourself?
Because you were trained not to. You were told:
"Good children obey."
"Saying no is disrespectful."
"You should always put family first."
But standing up for yourself is not rebellion—it is self-respect. You can love them and still choose your own path.
How to Address This Without Chronic Guilt
Separate love from obligation. Love them, but do not lose yourself.
Remind yourself: You are not a bad child for choosing yourself.
Let go of your basic need: Being seen and loved by parents.
Let go of the need to be understood. You don’t need their permission to be happy.
Find a support system—friends, mentors, or even therapy—to help you navigate your emotions.
What to Do When Parents Use Emotional or Financial Threats
If they withhold love or money, recognize it as manipulation, not care.
If they threaten to cut you off financially, create your own independence.
If they say, "You will regret this," ask yourself—whose regret is this? Yours or theirs?
If they make you feel guilty, remind yourself: Their fears do not define your future.
The Ideal Explanation: How to Communicate Your Choices
If they are willing to listen, say:"I love you and I respect you. But I also have to respect myself. I am making this decision because it is right for me. I understand you may not agree, and that’s okay. My love for you does not change, but I need to live my life as my own."
If they are not willing to listen, you do not need to justify your happiness to those who refuse to understand.
How to Be Emotionally Strong and Confident When You Were Trained to Serve
Redefine what "good" means. A "good child" is not someone who obeys blindly but someone who lives authentically.
Practice self-compassion. You are not selfish. You are brave.
Take small steps toward independence. Start with small decisions and build your confidence.
Give yourself permission to live. You deserve a life that is not just about survival but about joy.
Setting Boundaries Without Fear
Setting boundaries with parents who expect complete obedience is difficult, but it is necessary. It is also not about rebellion—it is about self-respect. Here’s how you can set boundaries without fear:
Speak With Clarity & Confidence:
Instead of saying: "I don’t want to do this,"
Say: "I appreciate your concern, but I have made my decision."
Instead of saying: "I can’t do this for you anymore,"
Say: "I love you, but I need to take care of myself too."
Acknowledge Their Feelings Without Letting Them Control You:
"I understand that this is hard for you, and I respect your emotions. But this is important for me."
Be Firm, Not Defensive:
If they argue or guilt-trip you, simply repeat:
"I hear you, but my decision stands."
You do not have to over-explain. Saying less is powerful.
Set Emotional Boundaries:
"I will not continue this conversation if it turns into guilt or manipulation."
If they start yelling or making threats, leave the conversation.
Create Distance When Needed:
If they constantly cross boundaries, limit interactions. Emotional distance is sometimes necessary for self-preservation.
Making Room for Failures
Your parents may have raised you to fear failure—to believe that one wrong step means disaster. But failure is part of growth. You are allowed to:
Make mistakes.
Try something and change your mind.
Struggle before you succeed.
Their fear of your failure is not your burden to carry. You do not have to live a perfect life just to prove them wrong. You only need to live a real one.
Becoming Your Own Parent
If your parents cannot give you the support, encouragement, or love that you need, be your own parent.
Nurture yourself: Speak to yourself with kindness, the way a loving parent would.
Protect yourself: Set boundaries when others disrespect you.
Guide yourself: Make choices based on your values, not just theirs.
You may not have received the unconditional love you deserved from them, but you can start giving it to yourself now.
The Time Has Come
The time has come to step into your life. Not the one they imagined for you. Not the one that keeps them comfortable. The one that allows you to be you.
You don’t have to abandon them. You don’t have to cut ties (unless you choose to). But you do have to stop abandoning yourself, and if they see you thriving without their controlling they might guilt trip you with their illness or threaten you saying they want to die.
What If You Feel Guilty?
Guilt is the chain that keeps you stuck. But guilt does not mean you are doing something wrong—it means you are breaking a toxic pattern.
To overcome chronic guilt:
Remind yourself: I am not hurting them by choosing myself.
Accept that they may never fully understand—and that’s okay.
Find a support system (friends, therapy, mentors) to remind you of your worth.
What If They Get Ill or Threaten Suicide?
This is one of the hardest parts. Toxic parents sometimes use emotional blackmail—threatening to harm themselves if you don’t obey. If this happens, remember:
You Are Not Responsible for Their Actions.
If they are struggling with their emotions, they need professional help. That is not your job.
Offer Support Without Surrendering Yourself.
"I love you, and I care about your health. But I cannot sacrifice my own well-being for yours."
If They Threaten Suicide, Take It Seriously—But Not as Your Fault.
Encourage them to seek help: "I will support you in getting professional help, but I cannot be your only source of support."
If they refuse and continue using it as a weapon, recognize it for what it is—manipulation.
If They Get Ill, Do What You Can, But Not at the Cost of Your Life.
Taking care of them should be a choice, not a forced obligation.
You can show care while maintaining boundaries.
You Are Not Alone
Many children feel trapped between duty and freedom. But you do not have to live a life that isn’t yours just to keep others comfortable. You deserve happiness. You deserve love without conditions. You deserve to be you.
You were not born to be a servant to your parents’ expectations. You were born to live, to grow, to love, and to choose your own path. It is okay to love them and still choose yourself.
Your happiness matters.Your dreams matter.You matter.
With love, Parita,
Someone Who Understands
Further explanation on manipulators and their manipulation tactics.
What Is Manipulation?
Manipulation is the act of influencing, controlling, or deceiving someone in a way that serves the manipulator’s interests, often at the expense of the other person’s well-being, choices, or autonomy. It involves subtle or overt tactics that pressure, confuse, or guilt-trip someone into acting against their own best judgment.
How Manipulation Works
Manipulators exploit emotions, relationships, or situations to get what they want. They often use guilt, fear, obligation, or dependency to maintain control. Manipulation can happen in personal relationships, families, workplaces, or even society.
Signs of Manipulation
Guilt-Tripping: Making you feel bad for not doing what they want (“If you loved me, you’d do this for me”).
Gaslighting: Making you doubt your own reality or memory (“That never happened, you’re imagining things”).
Playing the Victim: Acting helpless or exaggerating suffering to make you feel responsible for them.
Withholding Affection or Approval: Giving silent treatment or withdrawing love when you don’t comply.
Overwhelming You with Obligations: Using family duty or loyalty to pressure you into decisions.
Fear-Based Threats: Warning of dire consequences if you don’t obey (“You’ll regret this forever”).
Comparisons & Shame: Making you feel inadequate by comparing you to others.
Why Do People Manipulate?
To maintain power and control.
Out of insecurity or fear of losing influence over you.
As a learned behavior from their own upbringing.
Because they struggle with healthy communication and boundaries.
Examples of Manipulation in Relationships
Manipulation can occur in various relationships, often disguised as love, care, or authority. Here are some common examples:
1. Parental Manipulation
Guilt-Based Control: “I sacrificed so much for you, and now you’re abandoning me?”
Fear-Inducing Threats: “If you leave for that job, I don’t know what I’ll do to myself.”
Obligation Pressure: “A good son/daughter would never put themselves before their family.”
Conditional Love: Giving approval or affection only when the child obeys their wishes.
➡ Impact on the Child: They grow up feeling responsible for their parents’ happiness, making it hard to make independent choices without guilt.
2. Spousal/Partner Manipulation
Gaslighting: “You’re overreacting; that never happened.”
Emotional Blackmail: “If you really loved me, you’d do this.”
Isolation: “Your friends don’t really care about you. I’m the only one who truly understands you.”
Blame Shifting: “You made me act this way. It’s your fault I lost my temper.”
➡ Impact on the Partner: Loss of self-confidence, dependency on the manipulator for validation, fear of making decisions.
3. Work Manipulation
Exploitation of Goodwill: “We’re all family here, so you should work overtime without extra pay.”
Fear-Based Tactics: “If you don’t take on this extra project, you might not have a future here.”
Minimizing Contributions: Taking credit for your work and making you feel unworthy of promotions.
Guilt Induction: “Are you really going to take a vacation while the team struggles?”
➡ Impact on the Employee: Burnout, fear of standing up for fair treatment, low self-esteem.
4. Self-Manipulation (Yes, we can manipulate ourselves!)
Self-Gaslighting: “Maybe I’m just overthinking. It’s not that bad.”
Self-Sabotage: “I shouldn’t even try; I’ll probably fail anyway.”
Denial of Needs: “I shouldn’t rest or have fun because I need to be productive.”
Fear-Based Thinking: “If I set boundaries, people will leave me.”
➡ Impact on Oneself: Constant anxiety, low self-worth, lack of emotional fulfillment, and chronic stress.
Why Do People Allow Themselves to Be Manipulated?
People don’t consciously choose to be manipulated—it usually stems from deeper fears and conditioning. Here’s why it happens:
Fear of Rejection or Abandonment: The belief that saying “no” or standing up for oneself will lead to being unloved or alone.
Low Self-Worth: Feeling undeserving of respect or believing one must "earn" love and acceptance.
Cultural or Family Conditioning: Being raised to obey authority without question or equating sacrifice with being "good."
Avoidance of Conflict: Fear of confrontation makes them give in just to keep the peace.
Hope for Change: Believing that if they just try harder, the manipulator will eventually change.
Guilt and Obligation: Feeling responsible for others’ emotions and well-being.
Past Trauma: Childhood experiences of control or abuse can create a pattern of accepting manipulation in adulthood.
Until these fears and beliefs are addressed, the cycle of manipulation continues. Recognizing why you allow manipulation is the first step in breaking free.
If You Give in to Your Fears—Will You Be Seen, Acknowledged, or Free?
Many people believe that if they just give more, sacrifice more, obey more, they will finally be seen, acknowledged, and valued by those who manipulate them. But let’s ask the hard question:
If you spend every bit of yourself—your time, energy, emotions, dreams—will they finally see you, appreciate you, and set you free?
The harsh reality is no, they won’t.
The Illusion of Approval
If you have spent years serving, sacrificing, and suppressing yourself, ask yourself:
Has it ever been enough?
Did they ever truly see you, or just what you could do for them?
Did you ever feel free—or just trapped in a cycle of obligation?
People who manipulate do not reward loyalty with freedom. They reinforce dependence, ensuring you remain under their control.
Stop Feeding the Cycle: Accept, Detach, and Set Internal Boundaries
One of the biggest mistakes people make with manipulators is constantly trying to explain, justify, or gain their approval. Every time you bring your concerns to them—whether it’s defending your choices, asking for understanding, or hoping for their validation—you are feeding their power.
They are not looking for resolution; they are looking for control.
Every conversation where you try to make them see your side only entertains them—it fuels their ability to manipulate you further. The more you engage, defend, and prove yourself, the more they learn how to keep you trapped.
Instead of continuing this cycle:
✔ Accept that they will not change. Their approval is not a requirement for your happiness.
✔ Detach emotionally. You don’t need to react to every guilt trip or threat. Let their words lose power over you.
✔ Create internal boundaries. This means recognizing that their emotions, expectations, and reactions are not your responsibility.
✔ Live guilt-free. You are not a bad person for choosing peace over suffering.
Not all feedback is valuable. Feedback should only be taken from people who genuinely help you thrive—not from those who use it to control you.
Why Would Someone Want to Please a Manipulator? (Psychological Reasons)
If manipulation is painful, why do some people keep trying to please those who manipulate them? The answer lies in psychology:
Early Conditioning: If someone grew up in a household where love was given only when they pleased their parents, they learn that acceptance = obedience.
Fear of Abandonment: The belief that if they stop pleasing the manipulator, they will lose love, family, or security.
Need for Validation: If they never felt “good enough” as a child, they may unconsciously seek approval from difficult people, hoping to finally feel worthy.
Hope for Change: The idea that “if I just do this one more thing, maybe they’ll change.” (They won’t.)
Low Self-Worth: Feeling that their needs, dreams, and happiness don’t matter as much as the manipulator’s.
Learned Helplessness: If they’ve been controlled for too long, they may feel powerless to break free, even when they can.
Will They Ever Be Pleased or Changed?
No. And here’s why:
Their manipulation is not accidental; it’s intentional. They know exactly what they’re doing.
They don’t want to change, because manipulation benefits them. Why would they stop when it gives them control?
They will never be satisfied, no matter what you do. The goalposts will always move. Today, they may demand your obedience. Tomorrow, they will demand more.
The only person who can change is you. When you stop playing their game, their power over you dissolves.
✔ You don’t need their approval to be free.
✔ You don’t need to prove your worth to be worthy.
✔ You are already enough, just as you are.
The time has come to stop trying to change them—and start choosing yourself.
What Happens When Someone Doesn’t Address Their Fears and Keeps Allowing Manipulation?
Loss of Identity: Over time, they forget who they truly are because their choices have always been dictated by others.
Emotional Exhaustion: Constantly trying to please others while suppressing their needs leads to burnout and depression.
Chronic Anxiety & Stress: Living in fear of upsetting the manipulator creates ongoing mental and emotional distress.
Resentment & Regret: Realizing years later that they never lived for themselves can lead to deep bitterness and sadness.
Attracting More Manipulators: Once someone is conditioned to be manipulated, they unconsciously attract similar dynamics in future relationships.
Health Issues: Suppressed emotions and chronic stress can lead to physical illnesses like high blood pressure, digestive issues, or autoimmune disorders.
Breaking Free: Steps to Stop the Cycle of Manipulation
Acknowledge the Manipulation: Recognize the tactics being used and name them for what they are.
Challenge Your Fears: Ask yourself, What’s the worst that will happen if I say no?
Develop Self-Worth: Remind yourself that you deserve respect and do not need to earn love through suffering.
Practice Small Acts of Resistance: Start setting small boundaries and observe how people react.
Get Comfortable with Discomfort: Standing up for yourself may cause pushback. That’s okay—it’s part of the process.
Seek External Support: Therapy, books on boundaries, or a trusted friend can provide guidance and encouragement.
Create a Safe Exit Plan: If manipulation involves financial or emotional dependence, gradually build independence.
Neurological Differences: How Does the Brain Respond to Manipulation?
The brains of people who are easily manipulated often function differently than those who resist manipulation. Research shows:
Overactive Fear Response: The amygdala (the brain’s fear center) may be more active in people who struggle with standing up to others, making them more susceptible to guilt, shame, and anxiety when manipulated.
Weaker Boundary Recognition: People who have been raised in controlling environments may have less activation in the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision-making and asserting boundaries.
Dopamine Dependency: Some people get a dopamine hit when they receive temporary approval from manipulators, reinforcing their habit of trying to please them.
Trauma and the Nervous System: Those who have experienced chronic emotional manipulation may have a dysregulated nervous system, making them freeze under pressure rather than fight back or walk away.
Neurological Differences: How Does a Manipulator’s Brain Work?
The brain of a manipulator functions differently from someone who values genuine relationships. Their patterns of thinking, emotional regulation, and behavior are often shaped by a combination of neurological, psychological, and environmental factors. Here’s what makes their brain work differently:
1. Reduced Empathy: Dysfunction in the Prefrontal Cortex & Amygdala
Manipulators often show lower activity in brain areas responsible for empathy and emotional regulation, particularly:
The Prefrontal Cortex, which is responsible for decision-making, morality, and impulse control. In manipulators, this area may be underactive, leading to a lack of guilt or remorse for their actions.
The Amygdala, the fear and emotional processing center, may also function differently. Many manipulators do not experience the same emotional intensity when they harm others—they feel little or no guilt.
✔ This is why they can lie, manipulate, and exploit without remorse.
2. Reward-Seeking Behavior: Dopamine and the Pleasure Circuit
Manipulators get a psychological “high” from controlling others. This is linked to the dopamine reward system—the same system involved in addiction. When they successfully manipulate someone, their dopamine levels spike, reinforcing the behavior.
✔ This is why they keep pushing boundaries, lying, and using guilt-tripping tactics—they are “rewarded” each time someone gives in.
3. High Cognitive Functioning, Low Emotional Intelligence
Some manipulators are highly intelligent but lack emotional intelligence (EQ). They understand how emotions work but don’t feel them deeply. This allows them to:
Mimic emotions they don’t truly feel (e.g., pretending to care, feigning vulnerability).
Study people’s weaknesses and use them for control.
Strategize and adapt quickly to keep people under their influence.
✔ This is why manipulators often seem “charming” at first, but their true nature surfaces over time.
4. The Need for Control: Overactive Fear Centers & Power Addiction
Many manipulators operate from a deep, hidden fear of losing control. Their amygdala (fear center) may be hyperactive, causing them to view independence from others as a threat.
Instead of processing emotions in a healthy way, they:
Control others to reduce their own fear.
Dominate relationships so they never feel powerless.
Use manipulation to keep people dependent on them.
✔ This is why when you try to set boundaries, they panic and escalate their tactics.
5. Narcissistic or Psychopathic Traits: Abnormal Brain Structure
Some manipulators, especially narcissists and sociopaths, have actual structural differences in their brains:
Smaller or underactive Amygdala → Less fear, guilt, or emotional response to harm.
Reduced Gray Matter in the Prefrontal Cortex → Impulsivity, lack of self-reflection, and moral detachment.
Overactive Striatum → Strong desire for dominance, power, and superiority over others.
✔ This is why some manipulators don’t change—because their brain is wired for control, not connection.
Will They Ever Change?
❌ Unlikely. Change requires self-awareness, remorse, and effort, but manipulators:
Don’t see themselves as the problem.
Lack the emotional depth to feel genuine guilt or remorse.
Are addicted to control, and giving it up feels like a threat.
The only time they might change is if:
✔ They experience severe consequences (e.g., losing everything).
✔ They genuinely want to change (which is rare).
However, even therapy often fails unless they have a strong internal motivation.
Understanding vs. Protecting Yourself
While it’s helpful to understand how a manipulator’s brain works, your focus should not be on fixing them—it should be on protecting yourself.
✔ You will never change them, but you can change how you respond.
✔ Their lack of empathy is not your responsibility.
✔ Your best defense is setting boundaries, detaching, and refusing to engage.
Manipulators are wired to play games. The moment you stop playing, you take away their power.
Final Thoughts
Manipulation thrives on fear, guilt, and self-doubt. The more we understand it, the less power it has over us. You have the right to live for yourself, make your own choices, and set boundaries without guilt.
You are not selfish for choosing yourself. You are not ungrateful for setting boundaries. You are not unlovable for saying "no."
The time has come—to break free, to reclaim your power, and to live with strength, confidence, and authenticity.
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